Two more to go. .. . . . .

Friday October 17th, I had a PICC line placed in my upper arm. The experience was not as painful as I was anticipating. It was very interesting to watch the nurse use an ultra sound to first locate the vein she wanted and then watch as she used it to guide the PICC tube right where it needed to go. Of course, my veins wanted to shrink and hide, but she did a great job in keeping me comfortable.

Monday October 20th I had treatment without all the vomiting or nausea I was always working myself into. How wonderful to not have to worry about the many needle pokes. I really wanted to be able to complete all chemo with just an IV each time. I don't completely remember my reasoning, maybe just to say I did it? But why continue to suffer and make my nurses suffer trying to find a good vein?

I returned to the usual three plus days to recover. Today is Thursday and I am just fatigued and feeling "blah". I am so looking forward to having a good day tomorrow and begin to finally get my winter garden started. I am a little behind schedule but broccoli and cauliflower like the chilly weather we have coming very soon.

Well, two more treatments to go in this "Little Bump in the Road we call Life". I remind myself often that yes, I have Cancer, but Cancer does not have me.

Each day we are born again to start our life anew. What we do today is what matters most -- Buddha

What have I learned . . . . . . . ?

Sorry for the long delay on updates. It has been a busy couple of months.

Only Three Treatments left - YAY

What have I learned this far . . . . . . . . . .?

Chemo is no joke. I am not as strong as I thought I was going to be. I will recap a couple of my recent days in the infusion room.

Chemo Monday Sept 8th. The nurse hit a nerve while giving me an IV, I had stabbing, burning pain running up my hand. Screamed like a little girl. After that I was overly tense so they gave me an Ativan to calm down. A second attempt in my other hand was unsuccessful as well. Finally was able to get an IV in my arm and begin treatment. It took me all of five days to feel better. It is taking well over a month for the nerve pain to heal. :(

Chemo Monday Sept 22. What a horrible horrible day. I now begin to get ill on the ride to the hospital. I take anti-nausea medication prior to leaving the house, but that doesn't matter. We start the game of trying to find a good vein for my IV. Success after two attempts. I took my hospital medication and worked hard at keeping everything done for at least 20mins. Then the vomiting started.  I made it through three of my four medications. While receiving the fourth I began to have uncontrollable shaking and chills. My oldest tried rubbing my arms, helping me walk around, holding my vomit bag, etc. She is my rock star and has gone to most of my treatments with me. After more vomiting and the nurses wrapping me up like an Eskimo in warm blankets, I was discharged to a wheel chair and sent home.  I did nothing but sleep for three days.

My son supporting me. He is a sympathetic vomit-er, but held it together on Mom. :)

Chemo Monday Oct 6. Another tearful day. I requested a nurse with a large amount of IV experience, hoping I would be poked only once today. Well, he got the IV in but also caused a small bruise. This allowed for my first medication, A: doxorubicin (Adriamycin®), also called "The Red Devil" to leak a little into my tissue. I was not aware of how serious this is. They had to move my IV which took two more tries, administer cold packs to the infected hand, and give me an antidote to protect the area from tissue damage and dying. I returned yesterday to complete my chemo and receive the antidote again. I do not have any good veins left and it took four attempts to get an IV. I return again today for the last antidote and hope we have better success with an IV.  I am feeling ill already. UGH

The charge nurse has set me up to get a pic line. YAY for just one more stab and my last three treatments should be without all of this stress. Hopefully, I can even keep myself from getting so anxious and sick before these last sessions.

August and September have been busy months. Robert started a new job and is much closer to home. We traveled to Utah to pick up my daughter and grand-son to move home. The house is full of never ending activities having a 2 1/2 year old running around. Brytnee started a new job this week and Brandon started pre-school.  I can now get the rest during the day that is very needed. :)

The kids and I have signed up for a cancer 5K in November. Hoping I can still run the whole thing. Bryt is training with me so she can run as much as possible. So proud of her effects to create a healthy lifestyle for herself.  I don't anticipate any PR, just a finish will make me happy.

Hoping to keep you updated better as I am creeping to the finish line.



Remember: This is just a little bump in the road we call life. I need a 4WD to maneuver through the final dirt roads. But the end is near.

Let's Start with Chemo-Brain

Chemo-Brain
The American Cancer Society describes chemo brain as a mental fog; many doctors describe it as chemotherapy-induced cognitive dysfunction/impairment or cancer-therapy associated cognitive change. 

Cognition
... is the set of all mental abilities and processes related to knowledge: attention, memory & working memory, judgement & evaluation, reasoning & "computation", problem solving & decision making, comprehension & production of language. Cognition is by humans conscious and unconscious, concrete or abstract, as well as intuitive (like knowledge of a language) and conceptual (like a model of a language).

For me it feels like I have lost days or hours and can't remember sometimes details of the day before. I start a project and can be distracted easily just by walking into the house and seeing that something else needs to be done. I forget to turn off the garden water often. This leaves the back yard flooded. My excuse - The plants needed a deep feed. ;)~  Words, I can think of a word in my head but have a hard time making my voice create that word into sound.

I have a very patient and understanding husband. He repeats stories for me and we joke about my forgetfulness. I sometimes ask the same question over again. I start many conversations with "I'm sorry if I have already told you this." or "I'm sorry I forgot to tell you ......."  This is all a very frustrating process.

How about a better subject?  Last Friday my son and I took a day trip to Yosemite. We love to hike and the challenge of the experience. So......crazy me wanted to hike to the Upper Falls. This is a 3.5 mile hike with an incline of over 2000 ft. Let's add the temperature was over 90 degrees as we began our early afternoon adventure.

 Needless to say my chemo filled body would only allow me to make it half way. I was very frustrated and had a little bit of a temper tantrum when my son convinced me it was time to turn around. I am very stubborn. We quickly descended and easily walked over to the Lower Falls. 
 

The water level is very low this year (CA in a BIG drought) and we easily climbed over the large boulders to the bottom of the falls. The water is very cold but Cris still accepted the challenge of swimming across to get a picture directly under the falls. 
He has done this before during a camping trip we took with friends many years ago. Afterward, we had to take the most difficult route back to the trail. That is just the way we are, pushing the line to see what we can do.

Our adventure Friday was strenuous but left me with that sore all over feel good kind of sore. Makes me feel alive during this "little bump in the road we call life"

Chemo Day - YUCK

Today is Chemo Day - YUCK

This morning I was reviewing my emails and one made me smile. A dear friend had been trying to call me and had my wrong cell number. I immediately called him, because he ALWAYS cheers me up and we have such great conversations.We both love to garden, the outdoors and he has such a great outlook on life in general. We are a lot alike in how to face problems. We talked about all of the good things that are going on while I am in treatment. Yes, I have several days of feeling very ill, but all in all I feel pretty good the majority of the time.

I like to have Chemo on Monday and here is why. Chemo Monday is the beginning of my work week, who likes Monday's? Not many. Then comes Tuesday and you are still recovering from the beginning of the week. When Wednesday rolls around you have reached hump day and are on the downhill side. Thursday you see the light at the end of the weekly tunnel as you are approaching TGIF. Then you have your weekend to enjoy again.

Today is actually Tuesday. I had to push my chemo out a week due to very low blood counts again. I saw my Onc yesterday and I will begin to take Filgrastim to boost my cell regeneration. This is a shot I give myself the following week of chemo for five days. Cheers to being back on a consecutive schedule. And boo to having to take more meds. Sometimes the body becomes so beat up it needs additional assistance.

This morning is not too hot yet, so I am off for a good run/walk before my chemo. My daughter will be here early so we can go for a nice lunch before my appointment. Stay tuned for more updates.

Remember: This is a little bump in the road we call life. Eat right and keep moving. Your body will thank you.

Shaving my head and . . . . another postponed treatment

I spent the week of July 4th in Utah visiting my daughter, grandson and sisters. What an exhausting trip. My son Cris and I took the train from Sacramento to Salt Lake City. About a 14hour ride that was very uneventful. The train is relaxing but you do need a good supply of reading material or DVD's to watch. No WiFi during your ride.

This past week made me remember how important family is. It is sad that we so often take each other for granted as we travel through our daily routines. Family is there when we need them and sometimes when we don't want them to be. Time passes quickly and one day you have cancer (or some other eye opener), you suddenly are forced to slow down and really remember what is important.

I completely enjoyed spending time with my sisters last week. Recanting our childhood memories is always enjoyable. Our childhood was HORRIBLE but we always had one other and made good of what very little we had.

My nieces have all grown up and each can tell me about how much fun they had with their “Aunt D”. I wish I had been there more. Each have grown into such wonderful young ladies; so different from each other. Just like sisters and cousins should be.

Two of my beautiful nieces

We had a BBQ to celebrate life and shave my head. I was completely done with the constant hair loss. What a mess. This bald head is much easier than the stringy mess I had begun to hide. We all bonded over tears as my son shaved my head and again as we made keepsake lockets from my hair.

Yesterday, I enjoyed the cool morning on my patio. It supplied me with a relaxing place to enjoy coffee, read the paper and capture my thoughts about the past week. I had been a little melancholy with the anticipation of chemo today, so relaxing was a good item to have on the list. Robert was golfing with his friends and I would meet up with them later for some tapas at a beer garden in Sacramento.

I received a call this morning advising me that my blood counts were once again too low to have chemo. In addition to my white count being too low, I now have a low red blood cell counts.  I tire very easily and naps have become a normal daily routine. My body does not seem to recover quickly in the two week time span between treatments. Chemo is rescheduled for next Monday and I will be discussing options to boost my recovery rate. There are a couple different shots I can have that will help cell growth. Not looking forward to the possibility of having to take this route. The side effects are bone and muscle pain, something I am already dealing with. 

REMINDER: This is just a bump in the road of life and all will be well very soon.

Hair Loss...... and some other babble.

Hair Loss? I don't even know where to begin. I am shedding like a dog in spring. My hair is everywhere and I mean everywhere. The worst is when I take a shower, the drain is filled with copious amounts of hair to be followed by my brush filled with hair. We purchased a wig and it looks good, but I feel so fake wearing it. I think I like the scarf look better.

Brytnee surprised and shocked me by shaving her head. She can't be right here with me so going bald is her show of support. She rocks the look and is so beautiful. By this coming weekend I will most likely be shaving what is left of my hair off. The mess is just not worth letting it all fall out on it's own. My feelings change often on this subject. It cannot be stopped, so it is time to just deal with it. The dreaded "cancer patient" look has begun. UGH

Today is Shandee's turn to attend my chemo treatment. My first born has become the mother I couldn't be. She would tell you her childhood was awesome and I will agree. But she is the "stay at home" mother I wasn't able to be. I loved it when my children were little, we had loads of fun. Lots of soccer, lots of camping. lots of crazy times. Our weekends were filled with soccer in every corner of California and sometimes beyond. Trying to schedule that not long enough vacation in between our ever so busy lives. I worried too much about a clean house, an orderly schedule and fitting in that one more thing to get done. I had to be like this to survive work, family and life. Now they are grown and I wonder how the hell I did what we did. You do what you have to do and it feels normal while you are in the middle of juggling multiple lives.

I now have a new normal called Hodgkin Lymphoma and this will never feel normal, but I still do what I have to do to get it done. Time will pass quickly . . . . . most times it will feel slow. In the end we will look back and say "Wow, what a crazy ride". Time for a new adventure.

2nd Chemo postponed :(

Second Chemo treatment has been postponed a week. My white cell count is too low to risk another round of poison at this time. This also means my trip to Utah is postponed by a week. Very frustrating.  Yesterday I actually began to lose my hair. By the time I finished showering and getting ready for the rest of the day, I had accumulated a large pile of lost hair. I had to vacuum the bathroom to clean up what made it to the floor. I don't look silly from hair loss yet, but it certainly is thin. I anticipate I will have lost a significant amount by the time I travel to Utah. Brytnee and I will be making a trip to the wig shop and explore the many different styles I can come home with. The hair loss is what I dread the most.

I have listed below my current test results and what each test reflects. It certainly has helped me understand what is going on in my body after the first round of poison. Although my counts are currently too low, my white bloods cells are fighting like they should and are in recovery. Next Monday I should be back within a good range.

	5/28/2014	6/14/2014
ANC - Absolute neutrophil count	9.1	0.7
2.1 - 7.7 K/uL
BASO'S - Basophils are a type of white blood cell (WBC)	0	3
0 - 1 %
EOS - Eosinophil are a type of WBC	1	8
0 - 4 %
Lymphocytes - a type of WBC	11	49
13 - 46 %
Monocytes - a type of WBC	5	8
4 - 12 %
NEUTROPHILS - the soldier WBC	83	33
41 - 81 %

Absolute neutrophil count: The real number of white blood cells (WBCs) that are neutrophils. The absolute neutrophil count is commonly called the ANC. The ANC is not measured directly. It is derived by multiplying the WBC count times the percent of neutrophils in the differential WBC count. The percent of neutrophils consists of the segmented (fully mature) neutrophils) + the bands (almost mature neutrophils). The normal range for the ANC = 1.5 to 8.0 (1,500 to 8,000/mm3).

Basophils are a type of white blood cell. These cells are extremely rare, making up less than one percent of the white blood cells in the body at any given time. Basophils originate in the bone marrow, where they are created by stem cells. They circulate throughout the body in the blood stream, with the ability to pass into various tissues as needed. When an infectious agent is detected by the immune system, basophils respond, along with numerous other types of white blood cells. Researchers believe that in addition to helping at the site of an infection, these cells also help the body develop immunities by storing information which can be used by the T cells. Normal basophil counts can vary, depending on the patient and the situation. In a healthy person, the count is typically very low. In someone with an active infection or allergic response, the number of basophils in the blood can climb, betraying the presence of an infection.

Lymphocytes: A small white blood cell (leukocyte) that plays a large role in defending the body against disease. Lymphocytes are responsible for immune responses. There are two main types of lymphocytes: B cells and T cells. The B cells make antibodies that attack bacteria and toxins while the T cells attack body cells themselves when they have been taken over by viruses or have become cancerous. Lymphocytes secrete products (lymphokines) that modulate the functional activities of many other types of cells and are often present at sites of chronic inflammation. 

Monocytes help other white blood cells remove dead or damaged tissues, destroy cancer cells, and regulate immunity against foreign substances. Monocytes are produced in the bone marrow and then enter the bloodstream, where they account for about 1 to 10% of the circulating leukocytes (200 to 600 monocytes per microliter of blood). After a few hours in the bloodstream, they migrate to tissues (such as spleen, liver, lungs, and bone marrow tissue), where they mature into macrophages, the main scavenger cells of the immune system.

Neutrophils are the most common type of white blood cell, comprising about 50-70% of all white blood cells. They are phagocytic, meaning that they can ingest other cells, though they do not survive the act. Neutrophils are the first immune cells to arrive at a site of infection, through a process known as chemotaxis.

Though neutrophils are short lived, with a half-life of four to ten hours when not activated and immediate death upon ingesting a pathogen, they are plentiful and responsible for the bulk of an immune response. They are the main component of pus and responsible for its whitish color. Neutrophils are present in the bloodstream until signaled to a site of infection by chemical cues in the body. They are fast acting, arriving at the site of infection within an hour.

This is my Complete Blood Count - CBC

	5/28/2014	6/14/2014
HCT - Hematocrit	38.4	33.9
34.0 - 46.0 %
HGB - Hemoglobin	12.2	11.1
11.0 - 15.0 g/dL
MCV -mean cell volume	91	89
80 - 100 fL
PLT -Platelet count	534	482
140 - 400 K/uL
RBC'S	4.24	3.79
3.60 - 5.10 M/uL
RDW, RBC	15.2	14.6
12.0 - 16.5 %
WBC - white blood cell count	11	2.1
3.5 - 12.5 K/uL

White blood cell (WBC, leukocyte) count. White blood cells protect the body against infection. If an infection develops, white blood cells attack and destroy the bacteria, virus, or other organism causing it. White blood cells are bigger than red blood cells but fewer in number. When a person has a bacterial infection, the number of white cells rises very quickly. The number of white blood cells is sometimes used to find an infection or to see how the body is dealing with cancer treatment.

White blood cell types (WBC differential). The major types of white blood cells are neutrophils, lymphocytes, monocytes, eosinophils, and basophils. Immature neutrophils, called band neutrophils, are also part of this test. Each type of cell plays a different role in protecting the body. The numbers of each one of these types of white blood cells give important information about the immune system. Too many or too few of the different types of white blood cells can help find an infection, an allergic or toxic reaction to medicines or chemicals, and many conditions, such as leukemia.

Red blood cell (RBC) count. Red blood cells carry oxygen from the lungs to the rest of the body. They also carry carbon dioxide back to the lungs so it can be exhaled. If the RBC count is low (anemia), the body may not be getting the oxygen it needs. If the count is too high (a condition called polycythemia), there is a chance that the red blood cells will clump together and block tiny blood vessels (capillaries). This also makes it hard for your red blood cells to carry oxygen.

Hematocrit (HCT, packed cell volume, PCV). This test measures the amount of space (volume) red blood cells take up in the blood. The value is given as a percentage of red blood cells in a volume of blood. For example, a hematocrit of 38 means that 38% of the blood's volume is made of red blood cells. Hematocrit andhemoglobin values are the two major tests that show if anemia or polycythemia is present.

Hemoglobin (Hgb). The hemoglobin molecule fills up the red blood cells. It carries oxygen and gives the blood cell its red color. The hemoglobin test measures the amount of hemoglobin in blood and is a good measure of the blood's ability to carry oxygen throughout the body.

Red blood cell indices. There are three red blood cell indices: mean corpuscular volume (MCV), mean corpuscular hemoglobin (MCH), and mean corpuscular hemoglobin concentration (MCHC). They are measured by a machine, and their values come from other measurements in a CBC. The MCV shows the size of the red blood cells. The MCH value is the amount of hemoglobin in an average red blood cell. The MCHC measures the concentration of hemoglobin in an average red blood cell. These numbers help in the diagnosis of different types of anemia. Red cell distribution width (RDW) can also be measured which shows if the cells are all the same or different sizes or shapes.

Platelet (thrombocyte) count. Platelets (thrombocytes) are the smallest type of blood cell. They are important in blood clotting. When bleeding occurs, the platelets swell, clump together, and form a sticky plug that helps stop the bleeding. If there are too few platelets, uncontrolled bleeding may be a problem. If there are too many platelets, there is a chance of a blood clot forming in a blood vessel. Also, platelets may be involved in hardening of the arteries (atherosclerosis 

Mean platelet volume (MPV). Mean platelet volume measures the average amount (volume) of platelets. Mean platelet volume is used along with platelet count to diagnose some diseases. If the platelet count is normal, the mean platelet volume can still be too high or too low.

A little TMI. . . . . . I apologize in advance

I am in the middle of my off week and have been feeling good minus one very serious issue. I have had constipation for the past 3 1/2 days so severe I entertained the idea of going to the ER. The ER would not be able to do much, but WOW the pain has been horrible and nothing will take it away. Lots of OTC stool softeners, laxatives, suppositories and as much water as I can manage. Late yesterday I finally began to have no pain and this morning I feel great. Still no movement but at least little to no pain. I haven't been able to eat, everything tastes gross and makes my stomach hurt. UGH

Monday I went for a bike ride hoping the motion would help. It was getting way too hot for riding but I was able to get about 12.5 miles in before I felt completely drained. A nice nap afterward helped.

Tuesday, Shandee brought the grand babies and Cristopher came over for the day. I had to rest a lot but enjoyed having everyone around and watching them play and enjoy the water. Emma is in love with her playhouse and so are the boys. Robert took Shandee on a special sushi date and Cris got the rest of us pizza.

My very good friend Blythe came to visit on Wednesday afternoon. We have not seen each other for a couple of years. I sure do miss her and was glad to have a couple of hours to catch up. We have both been through a plethora of changes in the last five years and now we have much happier lives. Can's wait to see her again soon. I will be feeling worse next time, but always nice to have visits.

So, today. What to do today. Well, I'll take Kylee to the The Mud Mill for some fun ceramic painting. Lunch and shopping. Who knows what the rest of the day will bring.

2nd Chemo on Monday 6/16. I am sure I will have much to complain about after that one. 

Stay strong and positive ALWAYS. This is just a bump in the road of life. (A very big bump)

Today is a GOOD Day

 Today is a good day. Just a little queasy this morning and I have pretty good energy. Went for a run/walk late morning. I have a usual route I take from my home. It meanders through my neighborhood to the lake trail near my home. A round trip of just over five miles. I used to be able to run this route with ease, but am now happy to get about two miles of running completed and finish off with walking. Having the energy to move is the most important thing. The trail is very calming. If I go early in the morning it is not uncommon to see the herd of deer that live along the lake or wild turkey. 

I decided today to let my on line family and friends know about my diagnosis and give access to this crazy blog I will be keeping. I have never been a person that keeps a journal or diary and I have found that writing things down really relieves a lot of stress, anxiety, and the sometimes "why me" thoughts. So, those of you reading along be prepared for the occasional outburst. And if you know me well, you know that I am not a patient person and this roller coaster is going to test me beyond what I can imagine today.

Each day is a new day and those days I feel good I will run and ride my bike. I will enjoy the days as if everything is normal.

My husband is the most amazing man I have ever known. Well, he has to be given the difficult person I can be to live with. hahahaha But really he is. Generous, handsome, patient, unselfish, etc etc etc. It would be hard for me to go through this without someone like him. I thank him everyday for everything he does.

First Chemo Treatment

Well, yesterday was my first Chemo treatment. It was not as bad as I had anticipated. The nurses are great and I was there for less than three hours. I do not have a port or a picc line and hope I can do this entire process with out either.

I began to feel tired just as we were about home. AND then the nausea hit OMG I dislike that feeling more than anything. Zofran and Compazine became my good friends. I slept for most of the day and was able to eat a baked potato for dinner. The feeling of everything just feels wrong and blah never goes away.

It was nice to be able to sleep through the night. I woke up just as Robert was getting ready for work, about 3:30am needing more Zofran and was able to sleep for a few more hours.

All of a sudden everything smells different or stronger. Not in a bad way just more there. Strange. Another Compazine and soon I was able to enjoy coffee and oatmeal.

Shandee will be here soon. Cant wait to have her spending the day with me and crocheting should relax me.

Hope the rest of me day can remain status quo.

It didn't start out as HL, did it?

It has been a very long journey getting to my final diagnosis of Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I started feeling pain in October 2013. It was a strange kind of pain in the middle of my chest and then in my back near my shoulder blades. I didn't think much about it, other than maybe I was lifting weird, sitting different, etc. Then on October 30, 2013 I had a very painful attack and thought I was having a heart attack. At this time I lived near San Francisco for work and would travel home to the valley on the weekends. I called my husband about this terrible pain. Nothing would take it away and it felt to be getting worse. Not wanting to be one of those middle aged women that ignore signs, I called 911 and went to the hospital. My husband met me there as quickly as he could. The ER doctor was very puzzled with my pain. All tests continued to come back negative, reflecting nothing was wrong. She finally prescribed pain killers and sent me home.

I followed up with a doctor the next day. I was prescribed a daily dose of Pepcid and this began my first adventure of multiple tests for my esophagus and GI tract. I was still having intermittent pain and was not satisfied with the results the doctor gave me so I changed doctors for an additional opinion. The esophagus and GI tract adventure continued. I met with a Gastroenterologist and was sent to have my throat scoped. Of course, this came back with beautiful pictures of my esophagus and no issues. I was then sent to have two more tests. One measured the esophagus contractions when I swallow and the other measures the PH from my stomach. Again all healthy. I again met with the Gastroenterologist and he suggested I speak with a psychiatrist for pain management. I did meet the psychiatrist and told him that speaking about pain management does not make sense when no one can tell me what is wrong. I then made an appointment with my PCP and after a detailed conversation he ordered an MRI for the next day. I thought, finally, we are getting somewhere.

February 6, 2014 - MRI showed a large mass in the middle of my back at the shoulder blades (T4-T6 vertebrae). I met with the infectious disease doctor February 10th. I was sent for multiple blood tests. Oh and guess what, everything came back normal. February 25th I was sent to have a bone biopsy done on my spine. I will just say this is legal torture. You can not be completely sedated and I am fortunate to have dense bones. Hence, there was a chisel and mallet procedure given to my spine. Very painful.

Before my next appointment I noticed a lump on my chest and emailed my ID doctor. I followed up with him on March 5th and was given a diagnosis of osteomyelitis. No cancer was ever mentioned at this time. (they did not test for cancer . . . . gggrrrrr) and he did not seem concerned about my lump.  I began eight weeks of antibiotics and pain medication for the bone pain.
 I had a normal follow up appointment with the ID doctor on April 1 and was given instructions to have another MRI completed on March 6th. (Whew, this is getting long. I don't blame you if you become bored. This is more for my records than anything.)

I felt like I was making progress. I could occasionally enjoy a glass of wine again without having pain and was able to sleep all night. But then I plateaued and felt like something just was not right.

I soon discovered another lump near my right clavicle at the base of my neck. When I emailed my ID doctor he suggested I make an appointment with my PCP to discuss. May 6th I had my MRI and appointment with PCP. My PCP immediately gave me a chest x-ray and then a full CT Scan and made an appointment with a hematologist/oncologist for the next week. He was determined to find out what was going on. After the CT Scan the radiologist requested an immediate biopsy of my lymph nodes. That was a very long day. Home after 7pm. WOW

My MRI was reviewed on May 13th and the mass had not decreased but grown now covering the T2-T6 vertebrae.  That day I received a phone call telling me I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Oncology was the next day.

My life since then has been one doctor appointment after another ensuring my heart and lungs can take a long 6-8 months worth of chemo therapy.

Today I know I have stage IV, Hodgkin's Lymphoma and will live the remainder of 2014 having chemo treatments every two weeks.

First of MANY. . . . . . .

Today has been difficult and not for any one particular reason. I had a great lunch with my friends at Ghirardelli and then had to take my first blood tests.  I will have labs done not less than 24 hours prior to my chemotherapy sessions. Monday is my first and even though I am very excited about my nieces wedding this weekend; I am beginning to fear Monday.

I have been poked so many times these last few months that lab work now gives me a little bit of anxiety. I tried to call my daughter in SLC to allow myself a little bit of a breakdown, but she did not answer her phone. Brytnee can always calm me down, just like I always calm her down. We may not be able to do anything for each other at that moment, but she just makes me feel better. I wish she was here and so hope that I feel well enough at the end of June to take the train to visit her.

Brytnee will graduate from Massage Therapy in August and then it is time to begin preparing how we are going to move her home to CA. I am very proud of how hard she has worked to accomplish everything she has. She has become such a good mommy and everything is harder when you are a single parent.

Anyway, today I continue to think about my new life of chemo. I cannot begin to imagine how all of this will go. I read other blogs to get an idea of what to expect and I just become fearful. I don't want to be fatigued, lose my hair, feel ill all the time. DAMN - I DO NOT WANT CHEMOTHERAPY!!! I HATE CANCER. Right now I am just angry about everything and the typical "why me" keeps going through my head.

Fxxx OFF CANCER!!

I have been enjoying a large amount of ice cream lately. Ice cream is my vise, therefore I do not purchase it very often. But right now, I do not give a shit. Triple vanilla, caramel topping, bananas and walnuts. I could eat this for dinner every night. I say . . . .  let me get my fill of ice cream now, because who knows if I will still like it when all of this is done.

Hodgkins Lymphoma

This week I found out I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma. After being ill since Oct 2013 I was actually relieved to finally have a diagnosis, one that I can understand easier than my previous illness, osteomyelitis. Osteomyelitis, an inflammation or infection of the bone. Mine was said to be in my spine. Nine weeks of large amounts of antibiotics and a new MRI revealed that I was not improving. In fact, the mass in my spine had increased and I added two lovely lumps to the collection. My PCP ordered a CT Scan which was followed immediately by a biopsy of the lumps on my chest. He also set up an appointment with a hematologist/oncologist. This week has been a whirlwind of doctor visits and tests.

I don't even know what I really feel about all of this? Sometimes I want to cry and not because I am sad or scared, but because I am very angry about having cancer. I don't want to be extremely sick for 6mths, I don't want to lose my hair, I don't like not being able to work, I don't like that others will need to take care of me. I HATE that my children, husband and friends will worry about me. I am not good at needing help from others. I want to wake up every morning and be able to go for a run. I don't care that I will be able to run again someday, I want to do it now.

And damnit we had to cancel our beautiful vacation to ME with my husband's family. I AM SO ANGRY!! SO I AM SAYING Fxxx YOU CANCER!