Today has been difficult and not for any one particular reason. I had a great lunch with my friends at Ghirardelli and then had to take my first blood tests. I will have labs done not less than 24 hours prior to my chemotherapy sessions. Monday is my first and even though I am very excited about my nieces wedding this weekend; I am beginning to fear Monday.
I have been poked so many times these last few months that lab work now gives me a little bit of anxiety. I tried to call my daughter in SLC to allow myself a little bit of a breakdown, but she did not answer her phone. Brytnee can always calm me down, just like I always calm her down. We may not be able to do anything for each other at that moment, but she just makes me feel better. I wish she was here and so hope that I feel well enough at the end of June to take the train to visit her.
Brytnee will graduate from Massage Therapy in August and then it is time to begin preparing how we are going to move her home to CA. I am very proud of how hard she has worked to accomplish everything she has. She has become such a good mommy and everything is harder when you are a single parent.
Anyway, today I continue to think about my new life of chemo. I cannot begin to imagine how all of this will go. I read other blogs to get an idea of what to expect and I just become fearful. I don't want to be fatigued, lose my hair, feel ill all the time. DAMN - I DO NOT WANT CHEMOTHERAPY!!! I HATE CANCER. Right now I am just angry about everything and the typical "why me" keeps going through my head.
Fxxx OFF CANCER!!
I have been enjoying a large amount of ice cream lately. Ice cream is my vise, therefore I do not purchase it very often. But right now, I do not give a shit. Triple vanilla, caramel topping, bananas and walnuts. I could eat this for dinner every night. I say . . . . let me get my fill of ice cream now, because who knows if I will still like it when all of this is done.
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