I am really frustrated right now. I started this post while in the hospital this past week and damn I was on a roll. I was getting down some funny shit. But somehow I lost it all; so let me see if I can recreate any part of my three day experience?

Wednesday March 11, 2015

I was finally given a bed at about 4pm and the waiting game between the pharmacy and the doctors orders began. Until then I was entertained by my neighbor two doors down. His name was Andy and he was a lonely old man. I never found out why he was in the hospital but his family did not want to take him home. Sad.  He was demanding in a sad senior citizen I am alone way. Yelling for everyone and then singing and then yelling again. This continued for my entire stay.  I had another neighbor that was far more disturbing. She had been in a very bad car accident, two broken legs, broken arm and some kind of neck injury. This woman cursed like a sailor, actually I think worse. So, over the top abusive with the nurses. No one ever visited her, she was an addict and there was security with her my last two days of chemo. There was some relief from both these noise makers. Either while they were eating or sleeping. I was very thankful that they slept almost all day on the third day. That woman was just horrible.

My three days of chemotherapy were about the same as I described before. Came home Saturday to a house full of family. Everyone wanting to wish me a happy birthday. It was very nice to see my gran-babies, even if it meant just a little hug after they each passed the hand washing, sanitizing routine.  I feel good my first day home because I am still pumped up on steroids. That first day I can eat everything and I did. Everything tasted like it was gourmet. Lucky taste-buds. The rest of the weekend proceeded as usual. I feel like crap but cannot sleep. It takes about a week for the steroids to finally not have any effect on me. I HATE steroids. Why someone would chose to take them willing is beyond me.

Last night I was not able to sleep for anything. So I set out to complete a project or two. By 4am I had completed my husband's new cork board for his office and made myself a little framed jewelry holder to go over my jewelry box. I even started on one of those darn Pinterest projects, converting a cardboard box into a beautiful fabric covered storage box. I think I might get that done tonight? 

Today has been filled with office stuff. Completing my Stanford University packet. Ensuring the my siblings are able to be tested as a donor if it happens that I can not be my own. Keeping busy while high on the stupid steroids helps my brain not think about everything that makes me sad.  

I am more sad today than normal, though. My sister-in-law is near her end of life. She has struggled with rheumatoid arthritis since she was five years old. This terrible disease has almost completely crippled her. I will most likely be in stem cell treatment when her life ends and I so wish I could be there to celebrate her life. I won't say much about losing her here. It is very painful and I just become a blubbering baby every time I think about it. Having to be sick and not able to see her just makes me angry and it is soooo unfair.

I hope this little blog is helpful to those that may not know me. I hope I am able to give some information or make someone else feel like they are not alone. I am not a fluffy girl that becomes depressed, overly sad, drama, etc. I have had to be a fighter my whole life. I think I have fought pretty well and will continue to kick some cancer ass! Being competitive has really helped me. I don't like to lose and this damn body of mine better understand it has no choice. This body better comprehend that I still have a whole lot of life to live and I will be damned if I won't make it cooperate. 

And this is what I say to cancer:

I have my stem cell consultation on April 2nd. I have a lot of information now but will update after we have met with Stanford. I know my brain is going to be on over load.