Many times as I am sitting waiting for some little chore to be accomplished, oil changes, doctor appts, etc I will write in my little journal I keep in my purse. Below are some of my thoughts. Showing a little bit of what I am really feeling on the inside.
Thursday 2/12/2015
As I sit here getting my oil changed I can think about nothing but the shit I will be going through this year. I am not the type of person to ask "Why me?" There are no why me's - just lets get this done. I am very scared this time. First time I have actually thought about death and what that means. I am by no means even ready for anything that devastating, but who is? So I quickly push this thought aside and work on kicking ass.
I worry more about my amazing husband. Caretaker is the real work. I am sick and only need to concentrate on one thing - getting better. Robert has the stress of me, work, house, the little ups and downs that come with each of our children. There is always so much attention placed on the cancer patient and I don't mean to act as if that is not important, I am very important and my struggle with this crazy disease is serious. But after being a caretaker years ago and no being the patient; it was much harder to be the caretaker. At least this has been my experience.
My first round of chemotherapy consisting of 12 cycles of ABVD was relatively easy. I was very ill for one week and felt good the next. Just in time to start over again. I was able to remain very active and have a good quality of life considering what I was going through. This time I won't be able to do these same things.
Right now, today, this minute I just want to curl up in my bed and do nothing. I haven't ever felt like this before. This kind of depression just makes me angry. I fight the feeling to give in. I am scared of how close I will come to the edge. I am scared for my family and friends to see me this way. I am even sometimes scared of not having enough strength. I am thankful to have Bryt and Brandon home. Brandon helps keep me going. I allow myself to take over with him a little more than usual so I can stay away from that awful feeling. I appreciate that Bryt let's me do this. I won't get to love on my gran-babies as much while going through this crap. We have to be very careful now. I CANNOT GET SICK!!
Children have this remarkable power to help you feel better. They have a sixth sense about illness and an endless supply of love and compassion. My gran-daughter Emma just amazes me with how much she understands Nana is very sick. Always having a gentle touch for me.
Tuesday 2/17/15
Today is a new day and I feel better than yesterday. I have that determination back and ready to kick some cancer ass. Thursday is the beginning of the next chapter.
We are getting the guest room set up and organized to be my room during those feel horrible days.
In all of this I will miss all of those gran-baby loves.
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