It didn't start out as HL, did it?

It has been a very long journey getting to my final diagnosis of Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I started feeling pain in October 2013. It was a strange kind of pain in the middle of my chest and then in my back near my shoulder blades. I didn't think much about it, other than maybe I was lifting weird, sitting different, etc. Then on October 30, 2013 I had a very painful attack and thought I was having a heart attack. At this time I lived near San Francisco for work and would travel home to the valley on the weekends. I called my husband about this terrible pain. Nothing would take it away and it felt to be getting worse. Not wanting to be one of those middle aged women that ignore signs, I called 911 and went to the hospital. My husband met me there as quickly as he could. The ER doctor was very puzzled with my pain. All tests continued to come back negative, reflecting nothing was wrong. She finally prescribed pain killers and sent me home.

I followed up with a doctor the next day. I was prescribed a daily dose of Pepcid and this began my first adventure of multiple tests for my esophagus and GI tract. I was still having intermittent pain and was not satisfied with the results the doctor gave me so I changed doctors for an additional opinion. The esophagus and GI tract adventure continued. I met with a Gastroenterologist and was sent to have my throat scoped. Of course, this came back with beautiful pictures of my esophagus and no issues. I was then sent to have two more tests. One measured the esophagus contractions when I swallow and the other measures the PH from my stomach. Again all healthy. I again met with the Gastroenterologist and he suggested I speak with a psychiatrist for pain management. I did meet the psychiatrist and told him that speaking about pain management does not make sense when no one can tell me what is wrong. I then made an appointment with my PCP and after a detailed conversation he ordered an MRI for the next day. I thought, finally, we are getting somewhere.

February 6, 2014 - MRI showed a large mass in the middle of my back at the shoulder blades (T4-T6 vertebrae). I met with the infectious disease doctor February 10th. I was sent for multiple blood tests. Oh and guess what, everything came back normal. February 25th I was sent to have a bone biopsy done on my spine. I will just say this is legal torture. You can not be completely sedated and I am fortunate to have dense bones. Hence, there was a chisel and mallet procedure given to my spine. Very painful.

Before my next appointment I noticed a lump on my chest and emailed my ID doctor. I followed up with him on March 5th and was given a diagnosis of osteomyelitis. No cancer was ever mentioned at this time. (they did not test for cancer . . . . gggrrrrr) and he did not seem concerned about my lump.  I began eight weeks of antibiotics and pain medication for the bone pain.
 I had a normal follow up appointment with the ID doctor on April 1 and was given instructions to have another MRI completed on March 6th. (Whew, this is getting long. I don't blame you if you become bored. This is more for my records than anything.)

I felt like I was making progress. I could occasionally enjoy a glass of wine again without having pain and was able to sleep all night. But then I plateaued and felt like something just was not right.

I soon discovered another lump near my right clavicle at the base of my neck. When I emailed my ID doctor he suggested I make an appointment with my PCP to discuss. May 6th I had my MRI and appointment with PCP. My PCP immediately gave me a chest x-ray and then a full CT Scan and made an appointment with a hematologist/oncologist for the next week. He was determined to find out what was going on. After the CT Scan the radiologist requested an immediate biopsy of my lymph nodes. That was a very long day. Home after 7pm. WOW

My MRI was reviewed on May 13th and the mass had not decreased but grown now covering the T2-T6 vertebrae.  That day I received a phone call telling me I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Oncology was the next day.

My life since then has been one doctor appointment after another ensuring my heart and lungs can take a long 6-8 months worth of chemo therapy.

Today I know I have stage IV, Hodgkin's Lymphoma and will live the remainder of 2014 having chemo treatments every two weeks.

First of MANY. . . . . . .

Today has been difficult and not for any one particular reason. I had a great lunch with my friends at Ghirardelli and then had to take my first blood tests.  I will have labs done not less than 24 hours prior to my chemotherapy sessions. Monday is my first and even though I am very excited about my nieces wedding this weekend; I am beginning to fear Monday.

I have been poked so many times these last few months that lab work now gives me a little bit of anxiety. I tried to call my daughter in SLC to allow myself a little bit of a breakdown, but she did not answer her phone. Brytnee can always calm me down, just like I always calm her down. We may not be able to do anything for each other at that moment, but she just makes me feel better. I wish she was here and so hope that I feel well enough at the end of June to take the train to visit her.

Brytnee will graduate from Massage Therapy in August and then it is time to begin preparing how we are going to move her home to CA. I am very proud of how hard she has worked to accomplish everything she has. She has become such a good mommy and everything is harder when you are a single parent.

Anyway, today I continue to think about my new life of chemo. I cannot begin to imagine how all of this will go. I read other blogs to get an idea of what to expect and I just become fearful. I don't want to be fatigued, lose my hair, feel ill all the time. DAMN - I DO NOT WANT CHEMOTHERAPY!!! I HATE CANCER. Right now I am just angry about everything and the typical "why me" keeps going through my head.

Fxxx OFF CANCER!!

I have been enjoying a large amount of ice cream lately. Ice cream is my vise, therefore I do not purchase it very often. But right now, I do not give a shit. Triple vanilla, caramel topping, bananas and walnuts. I could eat this for dinner every night. I say . . . .  let me get my fill of ice cream now, because who knows if I will still like it when all of this is done.

Hodgkins Lymphoma

This week I found out I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma. After being ill since Oct 2013 I was actually relieved to finally have a diagnosis, one that I can understand easier than my previous illness, osteomyelitis. Osteomyelitis, an inflammation or infection of the bone. Mine was said to be in my spine. Nine weeks of large amounts of antibiotics and a new MRI revealed that I was not improving. In fact, the mass in my spine had increased and I added two lovely lumps to the collection. My PCP ordered a CT Scan which was followed immediately by a biopsy of the lumps on my chest. He also set up an appointment with a hematologist/oncologist. This week has been a whirlwind of doctor visits and tests.

I don't even know what I really feel about all of this? Sometimes I want to cry and not because I am sad or scared, but because I am very angry about having cancer. I don't want to be extremely sick for 6mths, I don't want to lose my hair, I don't like not being able to work, I don't like that others will need to take care of me. I HATE that my children, husband and friends will worry about me. I am not good at needing help from others. I want to wake up every morning and be able to go for a run. I don't care that I will be able to run again someday, I want to do it now.

And damnit we had to cancel our beautiful vacation to ME with my husband's family. I AM SO ANGRY!! SO I AM SAYING Fxxx YOU CANCER!